Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
