Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
