you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
