dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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