im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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