You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Non-Jews are for practice
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
