Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
