We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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