i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize