He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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