I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
