any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
