I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You took a bar mat shot.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
