Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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