you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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