YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
