Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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