All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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