she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
