I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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