Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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