I wanna passion pit in your ass
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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