You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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