Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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