he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
