Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
