She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
