Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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