we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
