I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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