hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
