Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
