i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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