Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
