bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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