im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
