i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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