Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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