ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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