It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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