My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
