my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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