hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize