I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
