Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
