Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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