ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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