This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
