I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Can you bring me the toilet please
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
