And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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