Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
