apparently the secret to your success is patron
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
