Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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