My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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