You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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