He had one of those small greek statue penises
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
