so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
