I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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