see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
