Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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