Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
