I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
